Going back to School

I had the opportunity to return to my graduate school program this past weekend as a volunteer observer for a piece of curriculum that is called Marketplace. It was a last minute offering for another set of eyes and I have to say that I didn't exactly jump at the invitation. Last minute was two days before and the time requirement was six hours on Friday and seven hours on Saturday. There was certainly some juggling to be done with schedules and other events but these were only mere excuses as to what was really making me hesitate.

Was I really up for the job?

There are some friends of mine that are rolling their eyes right now. Could I really be running that old story again? Am I enough? Do I have something to contribute? And yes, I saw the story playing out in the background of my reasons why I couldn't go and I quietly shut the door on it. I graciously accepted the invitation and made the arrangements that needed to be done so I could go.

What strikes me as I write this is the systemic thinking that not only I was going to Marketplace to watch out for – but also what I was bringing with me. How can I not apply the same lens to my own participation that I was there to observe? I was moving into a system as a particular type of group member and interacting with a group of people that I know nothing about. What was I bringing to the table? What was I going to notice through the filters of my own experience? Of course my own behavioral patterns were going to be triggered. Issues of belonging, personal authority, joining – god, the list goes on and on. All of that first year curriculum playing out not only in front of me to be assessed but also in my own experience. How oddly crazymaking.

In the end, I'm glad I went. I learned that my systemic eye is still operating well. I learned that I could stand back and observe with compassion and a critical eye. I reined in my caretaker (most of the time) and simply witnessed. It was hard at times not to step into the active system and offer some support – to stay in the observer mode without participating. I know what triggered what responses I did have – seeing someone feeling deep shame/beating themselves up – I'm going to tend to offer an acknowledgement that they are worthy of care. Maybe next time I'll be able to hold that more mindfully in the moment and see how that person manages through that moment alone. Maybe.

Accepting myself for my edges and strengths – I got to live that in grad school and continue to see it as a balancing act that constantly ebbs and flows in my life. I show up as I show up. I get to assess my participation and learn from it – maybe even try something different. I get to keep moving on instead of having certain moments in time define who I am. How hard it is to stay that fluid. How hard it is to accept that kind of grace. But in the end, it is the difference between stagnating in a place of discomfort or thriving in a world that still has so much to teach me.

Beginner's Mind 101. Here we go again.

Pre Graduation Dance

I'm edgy tonight.
I just saw a small group of my graduating colleagues - had a wonderful time visiting and sharing - and now I'm feeling really out of sorts. Huh.
So...what I am noticing is that twice tonight people close to me have told me how excited they are for me about tomorrow. And I didn't feel any answering excitement. A. told me how proud he was of me - how much he admires this grand accomplishment - and I didn't feel an answering sense of pride.

Which was odd enough for me to take a peak inside at that silence.

You see, I've set myself up again. Once more, I have leaped passed the moment and into the future. I have moved on from savoring the one victory and now see the next hill to be climbed. And while this mentality in itself isn't bad or wrong, there is in it a component of not really wanting to SEE or taste what I have done. It's all about what I haven't done yet. Not quite good enough.

Oh Damn it all to hell and back!!!! Still? Are you serious, Jennifer? Still?

I'm actually smiling. Relief is foremost in my thoughts. The silence begins to give way - softens - and allow some of my own pride and excitement to leak through. It's there - and so quickly gets snowed under the blanket of long hosted stories and patterns.

I am still the woman that I was. I am the woman that I want to be in this moment. And the difference is that I get to be who I am with a nice dose of self awareness. I also get to change the story ever so slightly. I can now tell myself that not only am I good enough but that I get to continue to learn and grow until the day I die. I'm fabulous right now and I am not done yet figuring out what that means. I get to be an unfinished masterpiece of my own creation.

These last two years have been bold paint strokes on that canvas.

The morning after

Well.
I just got nine hours of sleep. And I may need a nap.
My days in grad school are now officially over. Now it's just waiting on the graduation ceremony to confer upon me the degree. Doesn't that sound filled with pomp and circumstance?
It's hard to articulate what this has meant to me. Somewhere along the way, this program began to mean more than just a process that would get me that piece of paper to hang on my wall.
It's been about friendship and support. Expansion and learning from the ground floor up. Awareness and laughter.
Who I am in the world and what do I want to do with those qualities.

This experience has been the gestation of me. And leaving the womb always entails some pain. The lovely part of this birthing, however, is that I don't feel like I'm entering a cold, noisy, too bright place. No, I feel the warmth and comfort surrounding me. I feel my ability to make choices and build dreams. I have arms around me that aren't just my family's - but my friends as well.

So, this moment will take some time to move through me. The goodbyes and the 'I'll see you on Tuesdays.' Our community is shifting into something different. I'm ready to start envisioning what that will be.

Done...Finished...

Passed!
A 10 minute role play - et voila - I am finished. Which feels even more ludicrous - but it is done - I've jumped through the hoop and can now think about other things - like sleep, exercise and cutting back on my caffeine.
Yeah for me - yeah for all of us who have pushed through to this point.

Show up as a human being? Oops! NOT good enough

So much for that theory.
I get the distinct honor of going back tomorrow and showing how well I can use my intuition in a fake enactment because somehow I just didn't - quite - get - over that bar the first time today.

I'm upset because I am soooo tired of this anxiety - this having to show competency. I'm mad because I will miss Sarah's soccer game tomorrow - her first home game for Overlake. I'm frustrated because going back for another twenty minute role play tomorrow seems ludicrous. And - dammit - these stupid professors have once again triggered my FOO stuff. Can't they get enough? Would they stop playing with me - like a cat does with a mouse? Must they continue to poke and prod and rummage around in my shadow? I AM TIRED!!!

It's also my twenty first wedding anniversary. And, like the loving man that he is, A. is taking all my angst in stride. He even brought me home a dozen red roses with the Thai food that I asked him to pick up. One more day, my dear, one more day...

Almost there

Last weekend before orals and the stress/anxiety has kicked up. Stories are trickling in and with tidbits of information there is little help except to try and figure out how I will manage my anxiety in that moment. I think that is my predominant concern for myself right now - how I will soothe myself in the moments of learning and critique.

So...what I know to be true right now, in this moment, is that I am a human being who will show up as a human being. I get to be fallible, unknowing, ungraceful - AND I get to step into that place, hold my hand, smile at myself, and be honest. I get to repair.

I also get to show up articulate, thoughtful, confident and knowledgable. I get to step into THAT place of competence and personal authority with grace and compassion for all that I am - all that I have been - and all that I will become.
There's my mantra for the week...

Mice in the walls

There's nothing like waking up at 3 am to the sounds of little furry feet - behind my head. The humane mousetraps will now be put away in order to make room for (insert scary music here) - the Orkin man.

The last two days have been long and draining, so I didn't appreciate the little nocturnal visitation. I've been working until 8pm at my internship site and not ending my days with easy cases. On a side note - two of my first year student friends interviewed this week and were offered positions for winter. That was fun to watch. I've also been doing some studying for orals. On the one hand, I've realized that I have actually retained quite a bit of the concepts as they have been taught; and on the other hand, I'm realizing how limited our true mastery over any of these theories is. We really didn't have that much teaching or reading on any of them. Questions come up and go unanswered because we simply haven't done the scope of research. This isn't bothersome and it isn't a problem - just an awareness that there is so much more to explore in each of these theoretical fields.

And so my weekend has arrived with full laundry baskets and a grocery store list. With my youngest daughter realizing in horror that yes, her parents are going to check her homework and not let her watch TV until its done. Ah, the joys of parenting. And actually, I do mean it - there's something grounding about the basics of my role as parent right now. My head is so full of intellectual *crap* that to sit and work with my daughter in a way that makes us both really show up in that relationship - that is truly a blessing in my life. I know that she needs someone to push off of right now - and I'm willing to be that rock. I know A. is too. I sometimes lose sight of my most important reality so it's kind of nice to regroup and shrug the grad world aside.

Looking back, looking forward

A year ago I had had the profound experience of surrendering myself to the process of building community - to the process of love and openness; and the wondering of what that would hold for me.
And now I am sitting with that sense of love and community; friendships and comfort - and I'm torn by my excitement to finish grad school and my love of being with this group of people. We all are starting to touch on what we want to see happen after graduation. How we will stay in touch; how we will continue to meet - and while I want that continued connection I'm also aware of the whisper in the back of my head that knows that I will be forgotten. It is there, in the recesses of my thoughts, that I don't make enough of an impression to really be wanted.

Yeah, this is family of origin stuff. I used to pretend how much I was wanted and loved. Kind of made it up as I followed my dad around. He let me follow him around - he must love me, right? I get where that voice in the back of my brain is from. And what is also interesting is that I have such difficulty holding and taking in all the beautiful and loving words that did come my way over the weekend. The insecure little girl is on stage (in my brain) and simply doesn't know what to do with the powerful positive messages.
Another piece that I'll just admit to is that I feel like I am going through orals with three amazingly intelligent and brilliant people and that somehow I'm the weak link. Splitting!!!! And having a hard time letting that go.

Old stories are so hard to release. They creep back in like fog at 2 am.

Something just occurred to me. All of these stories really are pinpointing to me how hard it is going to be to leave this particular experience with these particular people. I am going to be sad and I am going to grieve the closure that will be coming. Irregardless of who I see after graduation - it will never be this way of being. It won't be worse or less - it will be different. And these past two years of intensive and intimate education will be over. So part of me is distancing myself from the pain and sadness - making myself a wallflower in service to buffering that pain.
Its hard for me to reframe endings - so many have been permanent departures in my life. Its hard for me to take in my worth to others right now - and I know that will ebb and flow.
Day after module. The sun is shining. I'm going to go walk and spend time in my garden.

Paper done, vacation coming

I finished off my paper last night - this twenty one page dissertation on me and my thinking. It certainly wasn't the easiest thing to put together.

And its done. Is it a creative, flowing manuscript where one can hear my voice resonating through each belief and challenge? Is it a scripted and rote rehash that checks everything off the list that was needed to be there? Will it challenge anyone's thinking? Is it dry and dense? And my answer to all of the above questions - which I say with true and heartfelt compassion - is that I really don't care. It is what it is. This is what emerged for me out of this assignment. It is what my thinking was at that moment in time.

There was a lovely sense of integration - I do have to admit to that. I had to really allow my intellectual "knowing" to filter down into my body and spirit. How do I hold all the learning that we have gotten? What has deepened my relationship with therapy or my clients? What will I never reference again?

In honor of finishing my paper - and while still thinking about that last question - I went to my overflowing bookshelf and pulled off all the books that I will never read - or read again. I think my mentee will enjoy not having to purchase the book on narrative therapy. I even like narrative therapy - my own version of it. Tactics of Change, Whitaker, Relationship Triangles, Evaluation and Treatment of Marital Conflict - just to name a few more that are heading off my shelves.

Taking the books off felt like my first true step towards endgame. There was something about finishing that paper that has changed my focus. Now its time to start gathering notes and flashcards for studying. Time to get rid of all that I don't need in order to make room for what I do need.

And with a vacation coming up this Friday, I can't think of a more perfect way to bookmark this moment, this pause for breath before I start swimming again.

A referral comes my way

I got my first referral today. A woman who was given my name by another woman in a support group. That made me feel pretty good.

The paper saga continues... the sheer unwieldy mass of information that is being requested. I mean really, what am I supposed to do with: "what was useful or not useful out of tomes of information and hours of curriculum that you have had and how have you integrated all this into you practice to date?" In about 14 pages. The other six pages are taken up with small little requests like - so tell us about your theory of change and what you think is important about the therapeutic relationship - and, oh yeah, what are your strengths and challenges, future goals and please critique the field of psychotherapy as just a little icing on the cake.

So, I've been breaking things down, regrouping themes and regurgitating past papers with hopes that somehow this intellectual salad that I am tossing together will balance out all the requirements, reveal my voice, make sense, flow and not have too many spelling errors.

Joy.

Saturday farmer's market

Our local farmer's market is not very large but it was certainly fun to sip coffee and wander through the stalls looking for the perfect bag of organic cherries. It was inspiring to think about what I could make for dinner tonight from the produce that I bought. I picked up a slab of salmon and some fresh mozzarella to go with the tomatoes and basil. Summer squash and tiny red potatoes. Perfect.

Of course I got home and discovered that two of my house guests (adult children) weren't going to be home tonight. So everything will wait until tomorrow.

Do I dare admit it? Yes, I shall.
I actually started working on my paper today.

Two more Modules to go

This past five day module felt like a two week intensive workshop. Okay, maybe I stayed up a wee bit late most of the nights. Little exercise to speak of, bad food and too much coffee tend to make me feel pretty toxic inside.

I was so exhausted when I came home - tried to go to bed early and laid awake until close to midnight. I HATE nights like that. My brain was still processing. Little things said, people in I group getting their assessments. Play it back, play it forward, erase tape - nope, didn't work, gotta process it again.

So I'm still a bit groggy today. I am also allowing this day to begin to layer over yesterday. The soft unfolding of new experiences to help bring me home into this moment. I've got a full load of clients this week and then we're off onto the boat for four days around the San Juans.

Gearing up for The Paper (play Jaws theme here)

As I sit and begin the process of writing my final Clinical Theory Paper, I find myself in somewhat of a predicament. On one hand, I want to keep reading, exploring and mining the huge library of information out there in the world regarding psychotherapy to find "my theory". On the other hand, I am contemplating the notion of halting the information upload and sitting within my own mind and asking myself what works for me right now, in this moment.

What I realize is that there is a way to do both.

Part of what I’ve been learning over the last year and a half is who I am – the landscape of me. My currency and my style; my strengths and my edges – all represent fundamental ways that I show up with my clients. Certain therapeutic modalities work well for me. Other modalities have offered up small tidbits that I’ve incorporated into my personal toolbox without taking on the whole philosophical stance behind the theory. Overarching all of this is my awareness of my excitement in being a student again with the permission to continue my education indefinitely as well as my growing sense of confidence in what I am bringing into my own practice today.

Onward...to module...

Thank god for those who are in the Trenches with Me

I tried to come home last night and explain to A. just why my day was so frustrating. Honestly, he gets most of it - but I have to be so circumspect - no case details, no names, no issues. Sticking to the ethical stance is hard even though it makes sense - but it certainly doesn't help me work through my confusion or reactions.

Enter my fellow interns. Thank-you. I'll just say it now. Even when I'm talking about someone else - I know you know that I'm really talking about my self. And you don't say it - well, sometimes you do, but always with a smile and a commiserating laugh. Because we are all going through this together. Stewing in our own unique gifts and blind spots, learning and trying to maneuver around the obstacles that sometimes look awfully tall.

I've heard some varied criticism of our program lately but I have to say that working with a group of people who have a fairly good picture of my strengths and weaknesses is an amazing resource. Mainly because they help me shine a light on my own process and learning - unlike a certain unnamed supervisor who seems sometimes bent on grilling me on the unpolished edges that I have right now.

Maybe he was just having a bad day

At any rate, it simply didn't matter at the end of the day - I got to whine and and laugh at myself - I got some perspective that was helpful - and hopefully a novel to read next week.

Here comes another one

So, I'm finally beginning to realize something really simple. We all have our internal anxieties, our shadows and our insecurities. I'm not unique in how my internal muck stews within - its my own recipe - but everyone has their own. This may seem kind of obvious but I think I struggle sometimes around how I get to be competent and skilled and feel like a complete fool sometimes. I want to be one or the other. Not both. Talk about splitting.

Module four is this week. Should be loads of fun with lots of exciting and new experiences...
Sigh. I just can't quite get THAT enthused.
After this one is over there is only three more to go. Now that's worth thinking about.

Musings in Providence

I'm sitting in a hotel in Providence, Rhode Island waiting to get tired. This time zone thing is tough.

I wrote a draft of my assessment paper on the plane ride out here. After all the travel I did with little kids over the years it is a complete luxury to sit on a plane and not be the parent entertaining the three year old. I actually got to concentrate and get a lot of the paper done.

And in the end, I don't know what any of this means. Its completely subjective, it's all about observation, projections, my own filters engaged fully as I assess someone else. There are assumptions made and often owned - but more often not. This is the buy in - what we all know going into this process. And yet - something emerges. A congruence that resonates or perhaps a sudden dissonance that catapults the Self into worry and anxiety. I'm not sure.

I think everyone is having different experiences.

For myself, I'm feeling fairly congruent in my self awareness and how I am being seen.

I have a wish though.

I wish that more of my humanity was visible, my "messiness" and my fear. God knows I've walked into so many lios engineered experiences almost terrified and falling apart. I've yelled and screamed and come practically unglued and those around me are still curious about what my shadow is. Someone told me that my contribution to our mock group therapy session was skillful. huh? Skillful implies control - and that wasn't what I was feeling at all.

It's confusing.
The words we use mean different things to each of us.

Ah well.

The thing is that I'm not feeling bad about this - I'm just sitting in the awareness of what sharing my vulnerable self means to me. I know what I've kept stepping into and what others see tell me that my inner struggles often don't show up. Those struggles end up bursting out of me like a broken water main.

This is part of who I am. I don't have a desire to set my caution aside for the whole community. What I do know is that I've moved in to deep relationships that have brought all of me forward. I hold that as possible with many people currently in my life.

Patience is necessary to allow these relationships to unfold and blossom in their own time.

Unfold and blossom. Just like me.

Blue skies and Bowen

I keep trying to plow through this book, really I do. I keep hoping to skim through the chapters and get a gist of what the authors are saying - but damn, I get caught up in the subject matter and find the page turning excruciatingly slow.
I'm talking about Family Evaluation by Bowen and Kerr. Of course there are three other books for this module to read - thank god I read the Solution Focus book last year.
I'm caught up on my paper work and get to enjoy a long weekend with J. coming home from UBC. We're taking S. to her first Sakura.con (anime convention) in downtown Seattle. She's been saving money to buy god only knows what. Anime merchandising is pretty hot.
I'm hoping to somehow osmose the rest of my reading, write a paper in my sleep and finish replanting my perennial beds by the end of the weekend.
Maybe I'll get inspired to go on a hike or actually go grocery shopping.
Miracles may even happen and the laundry might get done.

Just so you know...

Last week was a tad rough.
This week seems to be feeling more balanced and full of possibilities.
I slept good last night. I took S. rollerskating yesterday afternoon. I went swimming this morning. J. leaves for Japan on Friday - so I'm going to spend time with her this week. And if the weather will just give me more glimpses of sunshine - I think I'll actually be able to mow my lawn.
I had a client cancel today so I spent time putting together curriculum for a parenting class that I and a couple of interns are hosting in a couple of weeks. Lucky me, since I just went through sex ed for fifth graders - I get to do development and puberty. It's a class for parents of 9-12 year olds. I'm think Dan Siegal all the way. There's another great book out on kids by - of all people - John Gottman. Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children. Who knew that he was not only studying couples - but kids as well.

And instead of reading Bowen (or the stack of other-must-read-books-before-module), I'm working on uploading my genealogy charts to a website. Lyle Jane McKay - born in 1638. A woman who gave birth to six kids and lived to be 56 years of age. Long life back then. What a woman and she's my ancestress....

Post Pro Sem

There's something about my professional seminar experience that just leaves me edgy. Irritable and grumpy. Right now I HATE really competent people who have been sitting with kids and clients for the last god knows how many years and make it look so damn easy.

Because I compare the feedback I get to what they get and there aren't any "oh, this is just wonderful."... "that was simply superb, you handled that beautifully."..."you do an incredible systemic analysis..." -nooo, such words are not coming my way. The thing is - they deserve the kudos and I'm envious that they've found some level of comfort and skill that I am still struggling to find.

And my whole reaction to the experience is my personal work.
Dammit.
Can't I be done?
And who am I asking?

I'm feeling nervous because I have no idea how I am being assessed. Today didn't help when I bring in a video and we only watch five minutes of beginning session and then talk the rest of the time about psych evaluations and why I was not wanting to pathologize my client. I didn't feel like my faculty advisor really had any interest in seeing me work with the client - she wanted to talk about a particularly alarming reaction that she was having to the people. Fine. All that is okay, useful and informative - and yet a whole story was being built about the client that never got to be offset by watching them a little closer or longer. So, I use up one of my presentations and she never gets to see anything that I am doing right. Because, obviously I am holding the belief that only the negative, incompetent, blundering parts of me are showing up at all.

I guess I don't have anything to really judge my own experience against. And this makes me anxious. It feels like a slippery slope and I'm not sure where I stand. It could very well be that I am showing up perfectly appropriate for this time and place in my learning. It could also be that I am sharing too much of my process and need for support which will be interpreted as edges that need to be addressed. It could be that my acknowledged lack of confidence may backfire.
I start to pull back and put on the competent and capable mask. I don't have to be so forthcoming. I don't have to bring in my hardest cases,right?

Sigh. And then something inside wilts. I don't want to do that. I guess that I'd rather show up with all my triggers glaringly apparent and build my awareness around them - then not. I don't have to be the best, I can be good enough. I can react to a client, not like a client, feel clueless, get triggered - and work towards building a better sense of what it means to be a therapist.
But its painful, almost like a slap right now because I'm feeling so tender. Like a nudge that sends you toppling over because you were already off balance. And...

It could be that I'm finally being "messy" and no one thinks a wit less of me then they did before.

Letting go of approval

Module two is now over and I haven't really had time to look back over the week. And yet, I'm still mulling over a couple things that happened.
Primarily, I have been really struggling with staying in the process of learning - allowing myself to be seen as a beginner who has some edges to work on.
I grew up with the story that fear, itself, was an unacceptable emotion. It needed to have hard evidence and eyewitnesses to be real. And at the heart of it all lies a deep shame that I couldn't stop what was happening. It didn't matter what I did - I couldn't be enough. There is a sense that I must hide my own incompetence, my lack of understanding - because I'm being held to some odd expectation that has yet to show up for real in my current life. But the expectation was there - be strong, be competent in appearance; be the family EMT. Don't tell them that I'm scared or at a loss - muck through it, close down my own feelings - and be what others need me to be.
The fear of being seen in my own entirety - and not just what others think I should be - is still present AND I feel myself pushing through this old pattern. It's uncharted territory - kind of scary but absolutely necessary. Like breathing.
I did something that I've never done before - during the struggle, feeling myself on shaky ground - I sat with two different faculty members and spoke of my own internal struggle to release this story from my life. I reached out to two dear friends in the program and asked them why they love me. I cried a lot of public tears and I was held with gentle compassion. Such a different experience. I'm holding that in my heart - the difference of what has been in my past and what I can have now in my life.
My eight year old little girl is feeling pretty good right now.