Mice in the walls

There's nothing like waking up at 3 am to the sounds of little furry feet - behind my head. The humane mousetraps will now be put away in order to make room for (insert scary music here) - the Orkin man.

The last two days have been long and draining, so I didn't appreciate the little nocturnal visitation. I've been working until 8pm at my internship site and not ending my days with easy cases. On a side note - two of my first year student friends interviewed this week and were offered positions for winter. That was fun to watch. I've also been doing some studying for orals. On the one hand, I've realized that I have actually retained quite a bit of the concepts as they have been taught; and on the other hand, I'm realizing how limited our true mastery over any of these theories is. We really didn't have that much teaching or reading on any of them. Questions come up and go unanswered because we simply haven't done the scope of research. This isn't bothersome and it isn't a problem - just an awareness that there is so much more to explore in each of these theoretical fields.

And so my weekend has arrived with full laundry baskets and a grocery store list. With my youngest daughter realizing in horror that yes, her parents are going to check her homework and not let her watch TV until its done. Ah, the joys of parenting. And actually, I do mean it - there's something grounding about the basics of my role as parent right now. My head is so full of intellectual *crap* that to sit and work with my daughter in a way that makes us both really show up in that relationship - that is truly a blessing in my life. I know that she needs someone to push off of right now - and I'm willing to be that rock. I know A. is too. I sometimes lose sight of my most important reality so it's kind of nice to regroup and shrug the grad world aside.

A referral comes my way

I got my first referral today. A woman who was given my name by another woman in a support group. That made me feel pretty good.

The paper saga continues... the sheer unwieldy mass of information that is being requested. I mean really, what am I supposed to do with: "what was useful or not useful out of tomes of information and hours of curriculum that you have had and how have you integrated all this into you practice to date?" In about 14 pages. The other six pages are taken up with small little requests like - so tell us about your theory of change and what you think is important about the therapeutic relationship - and, oh yeah, what are your strengths and challenges, future goals and please critique the field of psychotherapy as just a little icing on the cake.

So, I've been breaking things down, regrouping themes and regurgitating past papers with hopes that somehow this intellectual salad that I am tossing together will balance out all the requirements, reveal my voice, make sense, flow and not have too many spelling errors.

Joy.

Thank god for those who are in the Trenches with Me

I tried to come home last night and explain to A. just why my day was so frustrating. Honestly, he gets most of it - but I have to be so circumspect - no case details, no names, no issues. Sticking to the ethical stance is hard even though it makes sense - but it certainly doesn't help me work through my confusion or reactions.

Enter my fellow interns. Thank-you. I'll just say it now. Even when I'm talking about someone else - I know you know that I'm really talking about my self. And you don't say it - well, sometimes you do, but always with a smile and a commiserating laugh. Because we are all going through this together. Stewing in our own unique gifts and blind spots, learning and trying to maneuver around the obstacles that sometimes look awfully tall.

I've heard some varied criticism of our program lately but I have to say that working with a group of people who have a fairly good picture of my strengths and weaknesses is an amazing resource. Mainly because they help me shine a light on my own process and learning - unlike a certain unnamed supervisor who seems sometimes bent on grilling me on the unpolished edges that I have right now.

Maybe he was just having a bad day

At any rate, it simply didn't matter at the end of the day - I got to whine and and laugh at myself - I got some perspective that was helpful - and hopefully a novel to read next week.

The plot thickens

It's been a really long week - lots of hours spent at my internship site, juggling kids and getting J. ready to head off for Japan.
And yet, something else happened this week - well, a lot of things happened that I feel good about. Small moments that pull my week together in a lovely, tiring sort of way.
First of all, my supervisor gave me a glowing assessment. I'll take that in and let it simmer. He looked me straight in the eye and said - 'you've got the skill and you've got the instinct, now stop being tentative and just get in there and do it.' Talk about calling me out on my FOO stuff. And yet, how fitting to hear that right now as I really start seeing my way clear of past debris.
And then I had some incredible moments with varied clients this week. The sessions all deepened to a different level. It's really interesting to think about that happening with all that has been happening for me. I can only believe that the deepening is happening because I am really deepening my own inner contact as well.
The stories that I heard this week - the abuse, grief, anger, fear - seemed present because I made space for them by listening with my own antenna. I don't know quite how to describe it but I think that everything that LIOS is teaching me centers around how to sit in a non reactive space and use my own internal antenna. It's like the learning is helping to clear the static out of the way so that I can listen better. I started playing with it, tracking what made my ears perk up and following those moments - or deliberately choosing not to due to time or possible strategic maneuvering. I'm finding myself remember what people said weeks ago and able to pull it out when it is really great for a client to hear their own words coming back.
I shared a piece of wisdom that I picked up years ago with a client today and it was a complete epiphany for her. She looked at me and said that it was what I said, that small nugget, that was exactly what she needed to hear today - and it was why she kept coming back.
So, on that warm and fuzzy note, I'm off to make homemade ravioli with fresh tomato marinara. A glass of wine and three of my favorite people to share the evening with.

Just so you know...

Last week was a tad rough.
This week seems to be feeling more balanced and full of possibilities.
I slept good last night. I took S. rollerskating yesterday afternoon. I went swimming this morning. J. leaves for Japan on Friday - so I'm going to spend time with her this week. And if the weather will just give me more glimpses of sunshine - I think I'll actually be able to mow my lawn.
I had a client cancel today so I spent time putting together curriculum for a parenting class that I and a couple of interns are hosting in a couple of weeks. Lucky me, since I just went through sex ed for fifth graders - I get to do development and puberty. It's a class for parents of 9-12 year olds. I'm think Dan Siegal all the way. There's another great book out on kids by - of all people - John Gottman. Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children. Who knew that he was not only studying couples - but kids as well.

And instead of reading Bowen (or the stack of other-must-read-books-before-module), I'm working on uploading my genealogy charts to a website. Lyle Jane McKay - born in 1638. A woman who gave birth to six kids and lived to be 56 years of age. Long life back then. What a woman and she's my ancestress....

Rescuing my caretaker

It amazes me how all these incredible therapists around me are able to so quickly find the truths of my character. That Johari window model - what I know that others don't know - is quickly becoming what they know that I know and will surely turn the corner into what I don't know and they do know.
No stone unturned.
So my supervisor today was looking through my first treatment plans and after asking a few questions said, 'hmmm, it seems a bit like rescuing to me...like you want to find a fix...' He didn't look up and see how my eyes were bugging out of my head.
Sheeit.
Maybe he's talked with my ProSem advisor, or maybe he is psychic or maybe - just maybe - I'm not as far along as I thought. I hadn't occurred to me how much of the "mom" I am was coming out into my cases. And, in retrospect, yeah - its true. I am an incredible case manager. And that's not what I'm here for. I've gotten into power struggles with a parent, I'm putting in "attainable goals" that only a parent could love and have no bearing on the presenting problem. It's fascinating to see even though I have no idea right now how to make a shift that helps me hold on to my energetic self better.
Being a caretaker or rescuer takes energy. I tend to invest so much energy into thinking about how I can be in service to others. I take on baggage, I fret over other people's choices and often think that people really want to know how I would do things if I was in their shoes. I know I'm not overbearing in this and that, in fact, I've got a pretty clear idea of how and when it happens in my personal life. But for some reason I had given myself carte blanche in practice at my internship to let that part of me ride forth. Yeehaw!
I think sometimes case management is good. Being an empathetic caretaker can be positive. However, it depends on what it is taking out of me. What I know to be true right now is that I am exhausted. I go to my internship for 6 hours and I have to come home and go back to work in my role as parent.
My caretaking empathetic self is not a bad part of my character - I just want to be more aware in the moments that the impulse to rescue is overtaking me. It's not an on or off switch, but it feels that way a bit right now.

Man, these people need a therapist

I saw my first clients today. Two different sessions back to back.
Maybe not the best idea - just trying to take care of the paper work, financials and signatures was enough to fry my brain.
So, I was sitting in the second session, looking at the couple in front of me and the thought went through my brain - damn, these guys really need a therapist. I swear! It happened.
These appointments were longer than usual - intake sessions that last close to two hours. That's a long time to be with a client who needs the basic assurance that you're gonna work together okay.
Joining and joining with more joining. I got a suspicious youth to talk to me and later, a disengaged partner to smile and actually speak - that seems like a couple of worthy first session accomplishments.
I just don't know what I'll do for an encore...

Not one but two clients!

I'll get to see my first two clients on Friday.
Back to back - two intakes with enough paper work to keep me busy the rest of the day. I'm kind of glad to have the two together - my nervousness over either one seems cancelled out by the reality of doing them on the same day.
Whatever works, eh?
I saw my friend J.B. today for coffee - he graduated last year from LIOS. God, I missed seeing him and I felt so sad when we said goodbye. I'm thinking this is a great measure of my feelings for any friend when I'm sorry to go. Sigh.
Okay, enough procrastination - gotta get back to my paper. At least I get to mail mine in on Friday...

Internship 101

Well, yesterday afternoon probably wasn't the best time to sit in on two therapy sessions with my supervisor - but I didn't know it was going to take me FOREVER to get home. That's another story - at least I made it. A. made it home as well - after he called for a rescue after almost getting his silly little car home. Miata's don't really do well in the snow.

Key Learnings:

• Actions speak louder than words. Behavior tells the story. What people say they want is supported or not supported by what is actually happening.
• Always expect to be told a version of the truth, not the whole truth and sometimes pure bullshit. Look at what you do know versus the reality that someone tries to explain. That reality is still critical - but again, behavior tells the story.
• Think clinically. What service am I providing, what is my role and how do I stay the observer while joining in relationship with people.
• What is the framework in my head that guides me to assess the person in front of me?
• Joining is a slow process - not only for the client but for the therapist as well. I get to honor my process of opening and comfort with someone. With teens, I suspect, this would be more respected anyway.

It was hard (when A. and I were both finally home and decompressing) not to disclose information that falls under that label of confidentiality. I wanted to tell him all about the two cases - and didn't out of respect for these new ethics that I'm suppose to subscribe to. We both feel the gap and decided that it would take time to see how it settled out. For now, I can just try to do what feels right even if this is a different way of being in relationship with my partner.