Looking back, looking forward

A year ago I had had the profound experience of surrendering myself to the process of building community - to the process of love and openness; and the wondering of what that would hold for me.
And now I am sitting with that sense of love and community; friendships and comfort - and I'm torn by my excitement to finish grad school and my love of being with this group of people. We all are starting to touch on what we want to see happen after graduation. How we will stay in touch; how we will continue to meet - and while I want that continued connection I'm also aware of the whisper in the back of my head that knows that I will be forgotten. It is there, in the recesses of my thoughts, that I don't make enough of an impression to really be wanted.

Yeah, this is family of origin stuff. I used to pretend how much I was wanted and loved. Kind of made it up as I followed my dad around. He let me follow him around - he must love me, right? I get where that voice in the back of my brain is from. And what is also interesting is that I have such difficulty holding and taking in all the beautiful and loving words that did come my way over the weekend. The insecure little girl is on stage (in my brain) and simply doesn't know what to do with the powerful positive messages.
Another piece that I'll just admit to is that I feel like I am going through orals with three amazingly intelligent and brilliant people and that somehow I'm the weak link. Splitting!!!! And having a hard time letting that go.

Old stories are so hard to release. They creep back in like fog at 2 am.

Something just occurred to me. All of these stories really are pinpointing to me how hard it is going to be to leave this particular experience with these particular people. I am going to be sad and I am going to grieve the closure that will be coming. Irregardless of who I see after graduation - it will never be this way of being. It won't be worse or less - it will be different. And these past two years of intensive and intimate education will be over. So part of me is distancing myself from the pain and sadness - making myself a wallflower in service to buffering that pain.
Its hard for me to reframe endings - so many have been permanent departures in my life. Its hard for me to take in my worth to others right now - and I know that will ebb and flow.
Day after module. The sun is shining. I'm going to go walk and spend time in my garden.