Hold Me Tight

Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, has written a book for couples based on her work with adult attachment theory. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. It's fascinating! I loved reading her stuff during grad school – but this is a more relational book that I can read for myself without thinking about theory. I've known for a long time that the most important relationship in my life – my marriage to Andy – is also the field upon which all my insecurities and adaptive patterns play. I believe this is true for both of us. What I am sitting here thinking about is something that Johnson presents as the culture we live in: We spend so much time learning that as adults we should control our emotions. Healthy adults are self-sufficient.

"Only dysfunctional people need or depend on others. We have names for these people: enmeshed, codependent, merged, fused. In other words they were messed up. Therapists encourage people to stand on their own two feet. This is just what Dr. Spock advised parents – picking up a crying child is the way to create a weakling. Trouble is, Dr. Spock was dead wrong when it came to kids."

She goes on to say:
"Recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection. Adult attachments may be more reciprocal and less centered on physical contact, but the nature of the emotional bond is the same."
She wants to foster adult loving relationships that are open, attuned and responsive to the needs of each other. The 'child-parent' thing threw me for a moment because I was thinking of those as roles than can be played out in an adult relationship. But that isn't what Johnson is talking about – she's talking about attunement and emotional needs in relationship to the other. We've got to remember that the definition of differentiation is one plus one equals three. Each of us are separate individuals in relationship with the other. Because we do yearn for other arms to hold us tight. We are relational beings because we are emotional beings. Love lowers blood pressure, helps us manage stress and anxiety. And more. The studies they are doing are amazing.
And of course she dovetails attachment theory into the very heart of this intense emotional drive to depend on and be cared for by another. And that, of course, brings up a host of other interesting thoughts – about myself, about Andy and the dance that we do in relationship with each other. Twenty two years of dancing, I might add – as of tomorrow. But that is food for thought another day. Here's a great series of thought provoking questions from the book:

Exploring Your Emotional Connections:
(From Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson)
"Reflect on the questions below or write your answers down in a journal as to deepen your exploration of them. You might also want to share and discuss your responses with your partner at some point"

• What messages about love/marriage did you get from your parents? Your community? Was being able to reach for and trust others seen as a strength and a resource?
  
• Before your present relationship, did you experience a safe, loving relationship with someone you trusted, felt close to, and could turn to if needed? Do you have an image of what this looks like in your head, a model that can help you as you create your present relationship? Think of one good time or typical moment that captures this relationship and share it with your partner.
  
• Did your past relationships teach you that loved ones were unreliable and that you had to be vigilant and fight to be seen and responded to? Or did you learn that depending on others is dangerous and it is best to distance yourself, to not need others and avoid closeness? These basic strategies often switch on when we feel that our lover is distant or disconnected. Which strategy did you use in past relationships, say, with your parents, when things started to go wrong?
  
• Can you remember a time when you really needed to know a loved one was with you? If he or she was not, what was that like for you and what did you learn from it? How did you cope? Does this have an impact on your relationship now?
  
• If it is hard for you to turn to and trust others, to let them close when you really need them, what do you do when life gets too big to handle or when you feel alone?
  
• Name two very concrete and specific thins that a safe, accessible, responsive and engaged lover in relationship with you would do on a typical day and how those things would make you feel at the moment.
  
• In your present relationship, can you ask your partner, let him or her see, when you need closeness and comfort? Is this easy for you or difficult to do? Perhaps you wonder if this is a sign of weakness or maybe it seems too risky for you. Rater your difficulty in doing this on a scale from 1 to 10. A high score means this is very difficult for you to do. Share this with your partner.
  
• When you feel disconnected or alone in your present relationship, are you likely to get very emotional or even anxious and push your partner to respond? Or are you more likely to shut down and try not to feel your need to connect? Can you think of a time when this happened?
  
• Think of a time in your relationship when questions like "are you there for me?" were hanging in the air unanswered and you wound up getting into a fight about mundane problems. Share this with your partner.
  
• Can you think of bonding moments in your relationship when one of you reaches out and the other responds in a way that makes you both feel emotionally connected and secure with each other? Share this with your partner.

Difficult Conversations

I gave a small training workshop yesterday for the small doctor's office I was writing about. The training itself went really well – very helpful and professional, I was told. My stage fright of the night before dissolved as I started to talk. Mainly, I think, because I love talking about this kind of stuff. 'Difficult Conversations' is actually a communication model and book that we studied in grad school. So bringing it forward to a whole new group of people was fun. Yeah, it was actually fun! We talked and people asked questions and brought up situations that we used to identify different components of the model with.

There were some important learnings for me while doing this – things I need to do upfront with the client about (she who sponsored me into the system) to get really clear on the parameters of my work and in what shape that will take. Good stuff that I could only get through the experience of doing. It was like learning a whole new vocabulary for that corner of thoughts in my head. Hmmm – that might not make a lot of sense, but I know that I often have to experience something in order to understand how to do it. And there was new wisdom gained as well as the validation that I did a great job. J Plus it didn't hurt to stand up there and talk about something that excites me – and bill them for two full hour at my full rate.

The irony of course is that I had to reframe a difficult conversation with the client in order to take in that learning. I felt the pull of having certain feedback define the whole experience – which was a pitfall that I had just been talking about. I had to pull out all the skills with her – mainly because she had just had some stunning personal news and those emotions were leaking into our conversation about what she did and didn't want me to do. It felt like the universe's way of saying – okay, you just taught this – now, can you do it? Can you have a learning conversation, recognize your contribution, untangle intention and impact, acknowledge the other and collaborate to find a solution? Why yes, you can. Good job. Now go have a glass of wine.

Yeah, there is still a little part of me that hates showing up as a novice in anyway. Damn it. I feel that shadow of embarrassment. And what is lovely for me right now is that I can acknowledge where that reaction arises from and hold onto the joy of having done something new. I am holding to being an open learner and allowing that humble imperfection and curiosity to be welcome. How different that is. I am continually amazed at how much has changed over the past few years.

Project Offer

I have had an interesting job offer that sounds like a lot of fun. How wonderful it is to the feel the difference between a project that I am interested in and feel excited about versus doing something that doesn't feed that same spirit. This offer is more like a project that continues to allow me to work in my practice – it just expands what that practice looks like for me.

I was approached by a doctor who has been experiencing some difficulties within the ranks of her staff. Her idea was that I come in and work with the staff members to help shed light on what has been happening on an interpersonal level between them. After meeting with the doctor last night, it became clear to her that there was more going on than the issue just between the two employees. She has asked that I come in and address the whole organization as a first step to helping with the communication issues that have become prevalent. Then she would like me to step into a consulting role over the next six months to keep that work moving.

How exciting is that? Well – and here's a big grin – it's exciting to me. I LOVED the organizational studies we did as part of our master's degree. I loved all that amazing group development stuff and it never occurred to me that I could bring both out into the world at large. It was affirming to sit with the doctor last night and just by asking certain questions her own understanding about what was going on startled even her. I could tell that she had gained insight and confidence in what I was bringing to the table.

So now I'm all excited and feeling pretty solid on what I can do with this group – but I'm not quite sure how to approach the business side of this. How do I contract for this kind of work? Are there certain elements working with a business organization that need to be managed differently than in therapy? Lucky for me I have a host of 'consultants' in my life who will have those answers.

An Opportunity to Say No

I had a job opportunity come my way - full time for a couple of months working in some of the local schools. The "full time" requirement, however, was not what I wanted. Could I do it? Sure. Would it be great hours and learning? Absolutely.
But it would mean not being home to pick S up from school.
I spent some time earlier in the week clarifying once again what my priorities are. And being able to pick her up from school, communicate and support her process at the moment is top of my list. Rest and getting back in touch with my body and my needs is right up there as well. I know that I've been managing through a funk. I know that there has been some family of origin stuff coming up for me lately as well as just trying to build my practice. Admitting to myself that I am tired and need to stop pushing has been hard.
I thanked the employer for thinking of me and stuck to my guns of wanting part time work that didn't top out over 20 hours a week. I would love to work with that group of folks but I also was able to clearly stay present to what I need right now.
So the universe provided me with a lovely little lesson of saying no. A lesson in supporting my self and my own needs right now. It was a bit uncomfortable to pass up the opportunity but I will trust that other opportunities will find their way to me that fit in more with my personal vision of life success.

The swallows are back

...and that means that it is spring. Each year, the swallows return to our house, chirping and swirling through the air - dive bombing the lawn mower and driving my cats crazy. They turn up sometime each March and it tells me that spring is just around the corner. We have numerous swallow houses nailed up to the house and barn which the wee birdies use for their nests. There is one right outside my bedroom window and it is not unusual to be awakened with the sunrise and the demanding voices of babies waiting to be fed.

So, besides the swallows - I did something today that I'm not quite sure how it will resolve itself. I signed up for one of the meeting rooms at my local library to host a free parenting discussion group. I don't know if the library will grant my room request - but it felt kind of odd doing this. Why odd? Well, because I have no idea what this two hour window of time might look like. It is a bit risky putting myself out into the community as a facilitator (from a personal growth standpoint) and I want to do this. Somewhere inside of me, I'm hearing this lovely voice saying - 'why not?' And when I stay in my curiosity, when I look at a possibility as a chance to try something on without being attached to the outcome - I feel energized.

The date is April 20th - a Sunday afternoon (2pm-3:30) to have a discussion on issues that face parents of young adolescents. I want to focus on the parents - their experiences, their 'stuckness' and their successes. How do they balance and make sense of their children's growing autonomy? How do they handle the fear and anxiety that governs so much of raising children today? Are they helicopter parents or are they okay sitting back and helping their children find their own motivations? How does their own history show up in their parenting? Do they want a better life for their children then what they had? Do they nurture not only their children but themselves as well? A friend of mine and I coined this as "Conscious parenting" - being wide awake and human while managing the role of parent in American society.

So that's what I've been thinking, reading and writing about. I want to get a pulse on my community and see what's up and where I might be able to lead future workshops that would most interest this community. I keep coming back to the reality that while I enjoyed seeing kids in therapy - when the parents came in and began to process their own awareness, perceptions and needs - the family really started building health. I know that isn't always true or possible - but I do know that for me it was really easy to ignore my Self and take on the role of parent as prescribed by my community's values and norms. And some of those norms are really scary.

The best part about this is that I have my experience and I can't wait to inquire into other people's experiences and see what is happening out there. It is a cliche - but true: I feel the excitement in holding the 'both/and'.

Gratitude

I saw my first referral client tonight. This client actually showed up and actually wants to come back. I don't mean to sound surprised but this all still feels so fresh. To sit in my office and meet someone new - to listen and ask questions and form beginning hypotheses - how much fun is that?

A lot. I love it. And it simply reconfirmed for me that I love this work. The learning curve has been doable but only because I slowed down and started paying attention to my intuition.

The great thing about this client is that I actually felt prepared to meet her. Not as an expert and not as a newbie. Just prepared and not anxious. Just myself. And, like I said, she's coming back.

This first real bonafide client that I somehow got through the community web of networking that I have been building over the years is a moment that I am savoring. The session was about her, my excitement tonight is about me. And there is gratitude in my heart for the gift of this moment.

Dance of the Landlords

My triangulated relationship between Landlord and sublandlord is finally drawing to a close. Meeting with the Landlord and beginning the process for me to take over the lease on the office on Monday was a good move on my part. I haven't written too much about the drama of the last couple of weeks just because it has been making me gnash my teeth. Talk about pushing my buttons.

And all of that murky mess is receding behind me. The space is basically mine - my furniture is going in and paint will be put up this weekend.

But here's the thought that's running through my mind: what the hell am I doing with an office? Okay, okay - deep breath - but really? Is this what I want? What is it that I think having an office means? Does it mean a full time job - no. Does it mean that I will pay back my start up costs this year? God, I wish, but I doubt it.

It's a bit scary hanging a shingle (another cost) and then trying to draw the clients to me. The irony hardly escapes me that I am going to have to market myself as a therapist; as a person who can actually help someone else find their grounding. Everytime another issue came up with the landlord and my sublease, I wondered whether this was the universe's way of testing my commitment - or the universe telling me that now is not the time to be doing this. I've been asking myself that question the whole time - trying to draw the answer from deep within my soul. And when I hold the vision in my head of what I want my practice to look like - there is no question that I want to do this. But it is on my terms, not someone else's.

I'm willing to invest in this career - I'm willing to try. I just keep hoping that as the Dance of the landlords fades and I am no longer sitting in this tenuous situation - that I will feel more able to actually move forward instead of just treading water.

Planting seeds

I had my first supervision meeting yesterday. What I really enjoy about this relationship is that my supervisor is all about helping us network and build our practices. There was a way in which just chatting about the current state of affairs and the vision for the future helped make it seem more real.
She asked us to really ask ourselves what we want from this practice. Who do I want to be in the chair? What am I envisioning - what is the dream?
As I thought about that this morning what came to me was not any news flash about my practice. I saw my garden. Okay, I know that's where a great deal of my thoughts have been lately - but I think this process is crossing the boundaries of my backyard.
It is the end of January. Winter. The first step in gardening is preparing the beds in which the seeds will grow. If the soil isn't prepped well - there won't be much abundance later. Winter is the time to feed the soil, build the hummus and create a living, organic foundation for the seeds I have to plant once spring rolls around. Everything has its time. I can't plant the seeds yet - it's too cold. But I can topdress the soil with the lime that it needs and the compost that has been waiting all year to go back into the garden.
There is work to be done - hard work that will take me out into the mud and rain this coming month. And yet, as I work, I always see what will be growing where. I see the beans filling the trellis and the spinach making a nice row of greens. I see the roses transplanted and a new bed for my pumpkins. The vision is one of abundance but it begins with what I do now.

I have no doubts in my mind that the vision of my therapy practice is a great deal like this process outside my back door. I am working to build the foundation - be it painting the new office, finding furniture, or working a new lease with my landlord. It is the work that needs to be done prior to the next step of being the seed that cracks it's casing and unfurls those first soft leaves to the sun.

Office?

So....synchronicity at work...
I just sub-leased an office a couple days a week.
There's this little funky house in the middle of town filled with varied practitioners - massage therapists, an acupuncturist, a nutritionist and a therapist/nurse who is slowly moving her practice up north.
The rate is amazingly low for this little 8 by 15 office. But it's off to the side of the house, near a back entrance with a waiting room out front. There's even a finished off attic space that I can use for groups or meetings.
!!!!
How perfect is this? And the best part is that a very dear friend (and massage therapist) also works there. She wants to start referring clients to me asap.
Did I mention the cottage garden out front?
Sigh
I got to this moment with a large piece of clarity dropping in on me Monday night. I realized that I need to help the transitions in my family settle. I keep thinking of Minuchin - how a family adapts to change and then I think about all the changes that have happened over the last two years: two kids off to college, grad school, new job for A., S in a new school and hitting puberty - huge transitions and changes that I believe have rocked our world. Talk about being off balance and feeling pressured. S needs her parents to be a foundation for her. She needs our attunement and presence in her life. I can't do that if I am working odd hours at an agency. As much as I would love to dive into an agency or hospital position - I realized that I can't - not if I want to be the parent that I want to be for my daughter right now.
What I can do, however, is get a little office and build a small client base and go to some workshops and work with supervision and a peer consulting group - close to home and during hours that put my family at the top of my priority pile. At least for a couple more years. She's 12 and within a short time - a blink of an eye - she'll be off and running.
Now - what about those business cards...

Teen therapy

I just finished reading Ron Taffel's book, Breaking through to Teens: A New Psychotherapy for the New Adolescence.
I have teenagers and I learned a lot. The viewpoint that Ron Taffel's offers is a great window into a world that I sit on the edge of. There weren't a lot of shocks - but if you haven't been listening to teens talk among themselves lately - this is a new world.


We had a class on Life Cycle and Development last fall and I was really disappointed. When we got to adolescence - the words of wisdom from our teacher was - kids don't say a lot. They say that they don't care. Her comments were directed at how to get this different race of beings to open up even a miniscule amount - and what work it is to do so. Well, that all may be true - but I was flabbergasted that we didn't talk about the World that teens live in today. What is going on developmentally for them - the hormones, the brain growth, the behaviorally specific information that are clues and insight into these young adults.


What I've seen with my teens is that the world they live in is not the one that I grew up in twenty years ago. Blame it on the internet, hollywood or the liberal media - how ever you look at it - things have changed. I was raised by parents who still live in the fifties. We were all raised by parents who were challenged constantly by new parenting paradigms which meant that there was a constant shifting of what was right or wrong. Tough Love, PET, and then back and forth between who seemd to offer the Key to effective parenting.


Ron Taffel is a very interesting voice of passionate support for the adolescence of today's world. A lot of what he says resonates with me. I can't believe what a pressure cooker my kids live in - and this whole notion of the Second Family is a truth that can not be ignored.


What I also find interesting is that Taffel trained with Salavador Minuchin back in the 70's and then turned to Betty Carter in the late 80's due to a shift in his own thinking about therapy. He offers up an interesting critique of Structural therapy as he also promotes his own Relational-Behavioral Therapy. Working with teens, he argues, needs to be different than dramatic moments in therapy (referencing S. Minuchin's work) - its about bridging the gap between the teen's world and the adult world through a relationship. It's about being real and emotional - bringing the real you into the room because teens know when an adult is just mouthing platitudes at them. Working with teens is finding the ways into their world - not trying to bring them into yours. It is recognition of how culture has been integrated by our kids.


Our children, Taffel says, are a reflection of adult behavior - just amplified. Our preoccupation with money, looks, the next high (whether it be some sort of drug or activity). Getting ahead in life, being sexy. Kick it up a few notches and the teen world starts coming into view. It's a mirror, of sorts, that illuminates the shadow of our adult culture.


Taffel doesn't just leave the reader with this rather ugly picture. He's got some great ideas of how to join with kids today - as well as offering some great advice for parents. And as a parent, I felt that most of what he was putting out there was dead on.