Letting go of approval

Module two is now over and I haven't really had time to look back over the week. And yet, I'm still mulling over a couple things that happened.
Primarily, I have been really struggling with staying in the process of learning - allowing myself to be seen as a beginner who has some edges to work on.
I grew up with the story that fear, itself, was an unacceptable emotion. It needed to have hard evidence and eyewitnesses to be real. And at the heart of it all lies a deep shame that I couldn't stop what was happening. It didn't matter what I did - I couldn't be enough. There is a sense that I must hide my own incompetence, my lack of understanding - because I'm being held to some odd expectation that has yet to show up for real in my current life. But the expectation was there - be strong, be competent in appearance; be the family EMT. Don't tell them that I'm scared or at a loss - muck through it, close down my own feelings - and be what others need me to be.
The fear of being seen in my own entirety - and not just what others think I should be - is still present AND I feel myself pushing through this old pattern. It's uncharted territory - kind of scary but absolutely necessary. Like breathing.
I did something that I've never done before - during the struggle, feeling myself on shaky ground - I sat with two different faculty members and spoke of my own internal struggle to release this story from my life. I reached out to two dear friends in the program and asked them why they love me. I cried a lot of public tears and I was held with gentle compassion. Such a different experience. I'm holding that in my heart - the difference of what has been in my past and what I can have now in my life.
My eight year old little girl is feeling pretty good right now.