What follows is the foundation of an article that I am beginning to put together - as well as a possible workshop offered out to parents who are just a tad overwhelmed by the seemingly necessary standards of child rearing in the new millennia. It's long but if you do read through it and have some thoughts to share (not only on the writing but the ideas behind it) I would love to hear from you -How to be a good parent always makes great fodder for the media grist mill of self help books and Dr. Phil shows. Along with all the other parents out there, I pay attention to what is considered good parenting practices. And yet, I wonder just what does our society define as a good parent? I am old enough now to see how that definition has shifted over the last twenty years.
[i] I also see how larger cultural issues inform much of what we have come to condone as good parenting. What I haven’t seen very much of is the parenting process revealed as the personal journey that it is. Becoming a parent seems to negate anything else that we, as human beings, are. It takes over the life of an adult and becomes the mode of self definition for at least the next eighteen years.
Who I am – what I want and need in my own life – is not a question that is often asked by parents in the trenches of raising their children. What we want is for our children to succeed. What we need is to know that they are safe.
[ii] What we don’t stop to look at is what our own definition of success truly is. We don’t ask ourselves what we are trying to keep our children safe from. If success is the holy grail of acceptance into an Ivy League college with a planned career in medicine when our child is still three years old – whose dream are we asking our children to live? If we try and wrap our children in bubble wrap over the course of their teenage years – how will they learn to trust their own judgment when faced with stressful or dangerous situations when you aren’t there to save them?
If I can really get in touch with my own definition of success then I can also ask myself how I measure up to my own standards. How am I modeling that vision of success? Do I even have a hobby that takes me out of the home? Am I vicariously enjoying a whole host of activities because I never had the chance to do those things when I was young? Am I trying to give my child everything that I always yearned for but never got? And here’s one last question: what kind of person does my child see when he or she looks at how I live my life? Do they see more than just sacrifice and prodding? Do they see humor and support? Do they see a man or a woman who is a human being?
All of these questions are meant to bring to your mind the awareness behind the choices and expectations that are made while parenting. Being aware of where the answers stem from can be powerful catalysts to re-examine whose life you are trying to lead. Just understanding the beliefs behind your expectations and actions can help you step back enough to do something that is absolutely necessary to the health of your child: Inquiring into their experience.
Tuning in to the person that your child is – past all the static noise of your own worries and fears – will help your child begin to develop some of the skills that they really need as they move into the adult world. Daniel Siegel wrote about this in his book Parenting from the Inside Out
[iii]. Attunement, he writes, is the foundation for children's development of self. Perhaps it is difficult to listen to that degree when you aren’t sure what that really feels like. Think about it, what would it be like to have someone really tune in and listen to what you want from your own life? Just because you are no longer a child doesn’t mean that your opportunity to try out a new career or take a class or follow a dream is gone. What would it feel like for someone just to ask you questions, let you flesh out those dreams and brainstorm the ways in which you can actually take steps towards making them a reality?
What do you want your own life to look like?
In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron challenges her students to make a date with themselves every week.
[iv] And it fascinates me how many adults need help to even come up with what that time with self would look like. Can you imagine what it would be like to invest some of your energy into your own dreams and wistful ponderings? Can you imagine valuing that time in the same way you value your child becoming a select soccer star?
Tuning in to my own dreams helps me tune in to the dreams that reside in my children’s hearts. It is so easy to build expectations and make assumptions about who they should be and yet, if I stay mindful to what those expectations and assumptions primarily say about my own beliefs – then I can set them aside for the moment and find out what my children believe. Giving children the space to begin the journey into knowing who they are is a powerful life lesson.
Being a conscious parent is not about pursuing perfection or good or bad parenting behavior. Conscious parenting is about being aware of all that I am in relationship with my role as parent. I was a child and teenager and young adult before I became a parent – and those parts still reside within me. The beliefs and values that I took out of my own childhood inform my thinking now. I can’t get past my own filters. It naturally follows that how I look at the world will impact how I look at the act of raising children in this world.
Knowing more about my own inner landscape helps me take a step back before plunging headlong into the latest fear induced parenting craze. Just because ‘everyone else is doing it’ becomes less important then what do I or my child want to do. I can feel the anxiety – and allow it to bring home the most important message of all: I really have no control over the life success of this child. I can guide, encourage, listen and support my child. I can teach and model the values that I think make up ethical living. What I can’t do, ultimately, is control what they will do with the tools that I have provided them with once they leave the home. I can’t stop bad things from happening to my children whether it is a painful break up with a girlfriend or getting mugged on the city sidewalk. What I hope they leave home with is resiliency: the ability to adapt and recover quickly from life’s setbacks. Is there any way to do that if you don’t have some measure of who you are as an individual? It’s hard to get up off the ground – when you don’t know what the ground looks like.
Conscious parenting is about mindfulness and being present in the moment that is at hand. Accepting all of myself – my strengths and my anxiety - as being present in the moment opens the door for acceptance of the fullness of another. I can label my anxiety and fear as bad – or I can hold those feelings as messengers from the past that want to tell me what will happen in the future. If I start listening to the loud voices in my own head that are spinning out all the “what if” stories of potential consequences, I can’t hear the most important voice of all – that of my child. My fear is my experience – not my child’s. Daniel Goleman talks about this in his book Social Intelligence.
[v] We pass emotions to others – especially anxiety – as ways to lessen our own reactivity. Is it any wonder that the rate of anxiety and depression among children is growing substantially?
How do we escape this cycle of anxiety and help our children reach for success? How can we be involved parents and not intrusive parents? If we step back from trying to be ‘perfect’ parents, how will we know that we have done enough to insure the brightest possible future for our children? The answer, I believe, is unique to each individual parent and each individual child. That bright future does not fit into one definition. It is a custom tailored vision that needs to be explored. What I do believe is that as parents we need to ask ourselves what we want for our own brightest future – and decide if we are willing to become students once more in the classroom of life to get there. The other side of that equation is listening to our children as they begin to explore their own talents and interests. Put your expectations aside and listen. If that means slowing down and spending a few more evenings at home instead of basketball practice and violen lessons, so be it. Try it on for size and tune in to what you hear.
[i] (Stearns, 2003)
[ii] (Donahue, 2007)
[iii] (Siegal & Hartzell, 2003)
[iv] (Cameron, 1992)
[v] (Goleman, 2007)
Cameron, J. (1992). The Artist's Way. New York: Penguin.
Donahue, P. J. (2007). Parenting Without Fear. New York: St. Martins Griffen.
Goleman, D. (2007). Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships. New York: Bantam.
Gordon, T. (2000). Parent Effectiveness Training. New York: Three River Press.
Siegal, D., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. New York: Tarcher/Penguin.
Stearns, P. (2003). Anxious Parenting: A History of Modern Childrearing in America. New York : New York University.
and have been enjoying reading her autobiographical account of what happened to her when success struck after the publication of her bestselling Reviving Ophelia. As I read her story I am aware that she doesn't seem to realize that there truly is an audience out there who understands what she is talking about. There is almost an apologetic vibe that comes with her acknowledgement of her success and how painful it was to manage. She is expecting everyone to say sarcastically – 'oh you poor baby, the lecture tour was so tough, must be nice.' And yet she writes her story anyway. It is in that compulsive need to put her story into words that I relate. It is painful, honest and soul searching. And I like her all the more for her honesty.
