Going back to School

I had the opportunity to return to my graduate school program this past weekend as a volunteer observer for a piece of curriculum that is called Marketplace. It was a last minute offering for another set of eyes and I have to say that I didn't exactly jump at the invitation. Last minute was two days before and the time requirement was six hours on Friday and seven hours on Saturday. There was certainly some juggling to be done with schedules and other events but these were only mere excuses as to what was really making me hesitate.

Was I really up for the job?

There are some friends of mine that are rolling their eyes right now. Could I really be running that old story again? Am I enough? Do I have something to contribute? And yes, I saw the story playing out in the background of my reasons why I couldn't go and I quietly shut the door on it. I graciously accepted the invitation and made the arrangements that needed to be done so I could go.

What strikes me as I write this is the systemic thinking that not only I was going to Marketplace to watch out for – but also what I was bringing with me. How can I not apply the same lens to my own participation that I was there to observe? I was moving into a system as a particular type of group member and interacting with a group of people that I know nothing about. What was I bringing to the table? What was I going to notice through the filters of my own experience? Of course my own behavioral patterns were going to be triggered. Issues of belonging, personal authority, joining – god, the list goes on and on. All of that first year curriculum playing out not only in front of me to be assessed but also in my own experience. How oddly crazymaking.

In the end, I'm glad I went. I learned that my systemic eye is still operating well. I learned that I could stand back and observe with compassion and a critical eye. I reined in my caretaker (most of the time) and simply witnessed. It was hard at times not to step into the active system and offer some support – to stay in the observer mode without participating. I know what triggered what responses I did have – seeing someone feeling deep shame/beating themselves up – I'm going to tend to offer an acknowledgement that they are worthy of care. Maybe next time I'll be able to hold that more mindfully in the moment and see how that person manages through that moment alone. Maybe.

Accepting myself for my edges and strengths – I got to live that in grad school and continue to see it as a balancing act that constantly ebbs and flows in my life. I show up as I show up. I get to assess my participation and learn from it – maybe even try something different. I get to keep moving on instead of having certain moments in time define who I am. How hard it is to stay that fluid. How hard it is to accept that kind of grace. But in the end, it is the difference between stagnating in a place of discomfort or thriving in a world that still has so much to teach me.

Beginner's Mind 101. Here we go again.