Post Pro Sem

There's something about my professional seminar experience that just leaves me edgy. Irritable and grumpy. Right now I HATE really competent people who have been sitting with kids and clients for the last god knows how many years and make it look so damn easy.

Because I compare the feedback I get to what they get and there aren't any "oh, this is just wonderful."... "that was simply superb, you handled that beautifully."..."you do an incredible systemic analysis..." -nooo, such words are not coming my way. The thing is - they deserve the kudos and I'm envious that they've found some level of comfort and skill that I am still struggling to find.

And my whole reaction to the experience is my personal work.
Dammit.
Can't I be done?
And who am I asking?

I'm feeling nervous because I have no idea how I am being assessed. Today didn't help when I bring in a video and we only watch five minutes of beginning session and then talk the rest of the time about psych evaluations and why I was not wanting to pathologize my client. I didn't feel like my faculty advisor really had any interest in seeing me work with the client - she wanted to talk about a particularly alarming reaction that she was having to the people. Fine. All that is okay, useful and informative - and yet a whole story was being built about the client that never got to be offset by watching them a little closer or longer. So, I use up one of my presentations and she never gets to see anything that I am doing right. Because, obviously I am holding the belief that only the negative, incompetent, blundering parts of me are showing up at all.

I guess I don't have anything to really judge my own experience against. And this makes me anxious. It feels like a slippery slope and I'm not sure where I stand. It could very well be that I am showing up perfectly appropriate for this time and place in my learning. It could also be that I am sharing too much of my process and need for support which will be interpreted as edges that need to be addressed. It could be that my acknowledged lack of confidence may backfire.
I start to pull back and put on the competent and capable mask. I don't have to be so forthcoming. I don't have to bring in my hardest cases,right?

Sigh. And then something inside wilts. I don't want to do that. I guess that I'd rather show up with all my triggers glaringly apparent and build my awareness around them - then not. I don't have to be the best, I can be good enough. I can react to a client, not like a client, feel clueless, get triggered - and work towards building a better sense of what it means to be a therapist.
But its painful, almost like a slap right now because I'm feeling so tender. Like a nudge that sends you toppling over because you were already off balance. And...

It could be that I'm finally being "messy" and no one thinks a wit less of me then they did before.