It amazes me how all these incredible therapists around me are able to so quickly find the truths of my character. That Johari window model - what I know that others don't know - is quickly becoming what they know that I know and will surely turn the corner into what I don't know and they do know.
No stone unturned.
So my supervisor today was looking through my first treatment plans and after asking a few questions said, 'hmmm, it seems a bit like rescuing to me...like you want to find a fix...' He didn't look up and see how my eyes were bugging out of my head.
Sheeit.
Maybe he's talked with my ProSem advisor, or maybe he is psychic or maybe - just maybe - I'm not as far along as I thought. I hadn't occurred to me how much of the "mom" I am was coming out into my cases. And, in retrospect, yeah - its true. I am an incredible case manager. And that's not what I'm here for. I've gotten into power struggles with a parent, I'm putting in "attainable goals" that only a parent could love and have no bearing on the presenting problem. It's fascinating to see even though I have no idea right now how to make a shift that helps me hold on to my energetic self better.
Being a caretaker or rescuer takes energy. I tend to invest so much energy into thinking about how I can be in service to others. I take on baggage, I fret over other people's choices and often think that people really want to know how I would do things if I was in their shoes. I know I'm not overbearing in this and that, in fact, I've got a pretty clear idea of how and when it happens in my personal life. But for some reason I had given myself carte blanche in practice at my internship to let that part of me ride forth. Yeehaw!
I think sometimes case management is good. Being an empathetic caretaker can be positive. However, it depends on what it is taking out of me. What I know to be true right now is that I am exhausted. I go to my internship for 6 hours and I have to come home and go back to work in my role as parent.
My caretaking empathetic self is not a bad part of my character - I just want to be more aware in the moments that the impulse to rescue is overtaking me. It's not an on or off switch, but it feels that way a bit right now.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
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