Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Rescuing my caretaker

It amazes me how all these incredible therapists around me are able to so quickly find the truths of my character. That Johari window model - what I know that others don't know - is quickly becoming what they know that I know and will surely turn the corner into what I don't know and they do know.
No stone unturned.
So my supervisor today was looking through my first treatment plans and after asking a few questions said, 'hmmm, it seems a bit like rescuing to me...like you want to find a fix...' He didn't look up and see how my eyes were bugging out of my head.
Sheeit.
Maybe he's talked with my ProSem advisor, or maybe he is psychic or maybe - just maybe - I'm not as far along as I thought. I hadn't occurred to me how much of the "mom" I am was coming out into my cases. And, in retrospect, yeah - its true. I am an incredible case manager. And that's not what I'm here for. I've gotten into power struggles with a parent, I'm putting in "attainable goals" that only a parent could love and have no bearing on the presenting problem. It's fascinating to see even though I have no idea right now how to make a shift that helps me hold on to my energetic self better.
Being a caretaker or rescuer takes energy. I tend to invest so much energy into thinking about how I can be in service to others. I take on baggage, I fret over other people's choices and often think that people really want to know how I would do things if I was in their shoes. I know I'm not overbearing in this and that, in fact, I've got a pretty clear idea of how and when it happens in my personal life. But for some reason I had given myself carte blanche in practice at my internship to let that part of me ride forth. Yeehaw!
I think sometimes case management is good. Being an empathetic caretaker can be positive. However, it depends on what it is taking out of me. What I know to be true right now is that I am exhausted. I go to my internship for 6 hours and I have to come home and go back to work in my role as parent.
My caretaking empathetic self is not a bad part of my character - I just want to be more aware in the moments that the impulse to rescue is overtaking me. It's not an on or off switch, but it feels that way a bit right now.

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