Reactions

Huh.
I finished a very interesting book this weekend. The Unsayable by Annie Rogers, PhD. Reading this book was, for me, disturbing and riveting at the same time. I feel like I've been deep in thought all weekend. The author illuminates a way of thinking that I never considered, a window into the aftermath of abuse that makes sense in a complicated and jarring way.

I can't seem to verbalize what this has brought forward in me. I've shared that this book has shaken something loose within me - but to those I have shared it with - their own reactions to the subject matter pull the conversation into the overarching ideas - away from me and my response. It's interesting, in light of what I've just been reading, to see how I try to reveal my own personal journey and it isn't visible until I practically stand in front of someone, wave my arms and shout at them to see ME.

I didn't want to get into an intellectual conversation - I wanted some holding. I don't think I know how to enter from a place of complete vulnerability and sometimes I wonder if those closest to me hold me also in that position. I am in a state of emotional upheaval - I feel so different - how can someone so close to me not see that? Do I hide my self so well? Even when I'm trying not to?
What am I looking for from others?
What am I still, at this age, playing out?