I'm trying to update my autobiography and its hard to put the work of the last year into a 2-3 page summary. Maybe I can just do bullet points:
- I have a hard time asking for help
- I've become aware of my struggle with sitting in the unknown - the journey is a mystery
- I'm listening to the feelings within my body
- The ability to take care of everyone else needs to include myself first
- The critical voice is just another messenger
- There is room in my heart for vulnerability and 'edges'
- I am all that is bright and shadow - there is no right or wrong, good or bad, perfect or broken
- Compassion is a gift that gives back to my own healing. Opening my heart without judgment helps me hold myself more gently
- When I get anxious - I want to find solutions.
- My parents did the best job they could - and there were some key moments that sucked. And they love me and I love them and we more forward allowing the imperfect past to be a place that informs me of my foibles, my strengths and my blind spots.
It's funny, as I re-read this list, I'm feeling something that kind of surprises me: acceptance. The energy is dissipating - all this work - the hours of therapy - the curriculum pieces - it has created in me a sense of resiliency.
It's also about my life at forty two years of age. Who I am today and how I got here. Wisdom gained and tears cried - its all me. And now I just want to keep my heart and mind open to this incredible gift of learning even though it really, really hurts some days. I want to spend time with friends and family. I want to laugh and sigh and dream.
And if I start to hide - smack me, hug me and give me a shoulder to cry on.
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