My youngest daughter had quite a few plans this weekend. She went home with a friend on Friday for a BBQ and party and Saturday she had an all night babysitting gig beginning at 5pm - which will put her home this morning (Sunday) around 11:30. This means that for two nights in a row, Andy and I had the chance to sit in the stillness of our house and do whatever WE wanted to do.
Talking with my partner has never been a problem. We genuinely like each other as well as love each other. There are dreams we share along with the history and memories that come with the length of our 22 year marriage. We've known each other since the first day of college when we were bright eyed children unsure of what the future was going to hold – and could have cared less. We're now in those nebulous middle years – midlife – when we've become adults well aware of time's passage and the aches and pains that come with too much yard work.
Our oldest son just finished off his senior year of college. He's at the same point in his life that I was when I got pregnant with him. Our other daughter is finishing off her sophomore year in college and the youngest is three years away from driving. So many issues that I used to worry over are all now moot points. The day to day minutiae of raising three kids has receded to a gurgling brook. Sunny smiles and memories of laughter now seem to stand out more than the remembrance of how much of my time was taken up in the care and feeding of three growing human beings.
And yet, even as I realize this, the fact remains that moments like this weekend will become much more frequent over the coming years until, finally, all three of our children are launched onto the world. As I sat in the silence, no longer dizzy with the exuberance of choosing what I want to eat and when I want to eat it, I also feel the edges of a deeper anxiety. Without my role as parent I can't hide from myself. There is no one else there to distract me from the facts that make up my life today. I feel the need to find something – anything – to fill the void of simply being present in my life. The way things have worked out I have time on my hands right now. Choosing to slow down instead of revving up brings all sorts of negative messages alive within me – judgments and criticism. It is uncomfortable leaving that void open without filling it with a job or a task that meets with society's approval.
It is in those moments of self doubt that I don't give myself very much credit. I lose sight of who I am, what I have done and where I have been. Am I stagnating and falling apart or am I nurturing my soul and learning how to renegotiate not only my relationship with my husband and adult children but with myself as well. There are days that I'm not sure. Perhaps because all of it gets to be true.
What is also true is that I still have a teenager in the house who is thriving because she has someone in her home that is – well - home. That's not the only reason why she is thriving – but it is clear over and over to me how important the role attunement still plays in our relationship. I also have a son returning from an amazing four year run at university who needs to find a job in a bad economy. Then there is my other daughter who will be home end of May for the summer before she leaves for five months in Japan. I don't take for granted the precious time that I get to spend with any of my children – especially now that they are adults or soon to be.
This empty nest weekend was thought provoking and ironically comes at the forefront of a period of time when my house will be full again.
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