New Year

My new year entered quietly last night with the sound of distant fireworks and a boating magazine on my lap. Curled up in my flannel sheets, sleepy and somewhat grumpy. Sleepy and grumpy often go together for me but there was an edge last night that had more to do with anxiety.
I am trying to be patient, content, and non shrewish - but it is really hard when I just don't know what I want right now. I don't have a clear vision - really, I don't. I've taken some steps to manifest a career as a therapist - but my thoughts keep heading into the wilderness of long walks, hiking, backpacking, boating into the literal wilderness of the BC coastal waters. Escape and rejuvenation that bounce off of 'newly forming career' ambition.

Trying to make a go of this on my own as opposed to getting a 'real' job with an agency or other venue that could utilize my skills is also a bit tough on my psyche. I question my abilities - the environment in which I want to learn. I suddenly feel isolated and wonder how quickly my skills will atrophy - as if the skills I have will disappear within a month if not used to their fullest.

You see, I get that this is a story that is alive in me - a certainly powerful story that drives me to manage my anxiety by plotting out exactly what the next few months will look like. There is fear in this story that somehow everything that I have worked so hard for over the last two years will disappear if I don't keep it front and center. Part of the story - rather sadly - is that if I can't make some income from these skills then what truly is their worth? Who am I without a job title? Ouch - that's a blast from the past.

The more adult part of me, the part of me who is breathing and grounding, sighs with the awareness that I am loved by those who love me because I am the woman that I am - not because of what I do for a career or how I utilize my newly minted master's degree. So, the question that I get to contemplate - is how, for myself, do I love and honor the woman that I am? How do I give love and consideration to myself as I walk this lovely path of life? Shall I hold myself with compassion and grace - acknowledging the transitions and changes and the space to allow those events to settle? Shall I celebrate my renewed love of being outdoors as well as the rhythm of family and children and partner? Will I reconnect and stay connected with those who are close to my heart - those who feed my soul and make me laugh and help me appreciate how silly and heartfelt friendships can be?

Yes.

Happy New Year.