I hate videotaping

...and anything I hate means I'd better get over it when it concerns this program I'm in. 'Cause somehow it will comeback to bite me in the - rear.
Why is it that I have such a reaction to watching myself on tape? I cringe as I hear the things that I say, I watch the cues go by uncalled out.
I immediately begin to feel like a charlatan. And its all on tape.
Oh no! I'm going to be found out! I look competent on the outside - but inside, heaven forbid, people see the missteps, the hooks, the ... the what? The failure?
See, I get that this is something that in one form or the other no one feels great doing. I get that videotaping yourself working is difficult anywhere in business - and we're doing it without any preparation and with no idea who (or what) is walking into the room to be with us for that hour.

And it zeroes in on a piece of my personal work that I already know is an edge. And god, do I really sound like that? Shoot me now. Oops, sorry, that was a momentary spurt of panic.

All I need to hear is that I am doing fine, in this moment, for where I'm at in this program. I need to listen to the feedback I'm getting from my colleagues, my supervisors and my clients. Just this past week, one of my clients told me that even though she is the first one in her family to do any therapy - and takes grief for it - she is thinking that it is a grand adventure. Every time she leaves, she has something new to think about - a facet of herself rediscovered. She also said that maybe she would have had a different experience with it if I wasn't so easy to talk to - but she's really enjoying the work that she's doing.
Talk about feedback that feels fairly important.

So, the short of it is, I'm camera shy. I get a little awkward feeling, don't stay as centered with that little red light across the room. Okay. I'm really interested to know what my faculty will say in regards to my professional seminar participation. I've brought two tapes so far already to be viewed. Nothing stellar in either of them. Is it a good thing to bring in the tapes that you struggle with - or is it better to get a 'good tape' where you can highlight how brilliant you are. I really don't know yet. I have a suspicion that either way, they (the faculty) will find a way to poke and prod and challenge me to keep trying my hardest.