New Blog Site

For the few of you who read this – I'm in the middle of moving this blog over to wordpress and my website http://www.jessarasvoyage.com/.
The blog will house not only this particular journal but Gaia's Garden as well.
I'm still working out the kinks so you'll see changes crop up from time to time. Let me know if you see anything that needs fixing!
The blog is at www.jessarasvoyage.com/blog/

Lunch Date with a Friend

It has been hard to spend a great deal of time with friends lately. Busy lives keep us all going in so many directions and yet, somehow, today a good friend and I managed to have lunch together. He's been traveling around the country – and world – and I've had my head buried in my new job. When he said he had time to meet today – I jumped at the chance.

The thing about J. is that, well, I love him dearly. He has always, in the most simplest of terms, been a brother. That's pretty how much how I hold him in my heart. We don't get to see each other very much, our lives take us in such different directions but we made a connection in grad school that fills me with joy and gratitude. There are a handful of friendships that followed me out of that program and made my degree worth every penny – he's one of them.

Anyway, we talked for two hours – such wisdom and resolution of all the ills in the world. We talked life and partners, work and friendships; the lessons we were struggling with and the hopes that we have.

I finally simply looked at him and said, "I have such respect for you."

He was startled, drawing back with a smile but I could see that he had taken it in. "Gotcha." I smiled broadly. I hadn't been sure where the words came from just this sense of rightness that had welled up in my heart – words that I wanted to share with him because I really, truly, admire so much about this man who has somehow become my friend.

"Yeah," he laughed, "but it got to you too!"

"J," I could feel my smile soften, "I know it's kind of an odd word to use, but it's what I'm feeling right now – I respect who you are and your opinion; the work that you are doing out in the world."

I thought for a moment and added quietly, "There just aren't that many people I can talk with about who I am right now, you know? So yeah, it got me – it feels so good to be able to share how much our friendship means to me." There aren't very many people that I can so openly share that giddy bubble of happiness that we got to connect. This is something J. knows about me – he knows what the reserve hides and we moved past that long ago. He's always held our friendship as a gift that we share and there are times that that just floors me.

He angled his head, brown eyes serious, "I think I've just realized how hard all of this has been for you – this job, this work – it's like you've gone back for another degree." J. is pretty damn intuitive and I could only nod. That's a good way to put it. Working for an organization that teaches people how to be emotionally intelligent practitioners has a steep learning curve. And it's been lonely. I want to unload my angst without having to manage anyone else's feelings – and wow - now there's a short list of friends that I can do that with at all.

And to have him see how hard this has all been – the adjustments, the learning, the juggling – all of it in a moment of connection makes me feel vulnerable and seen at the same time. There's part of me that cringes because I revealed a "need" and there's the bigger part of me that doesn't care. Lunch with J. felt too good and nourished a parched landscape.

Feeling that parchedness, sitting with it – that isn't easy. I'm feeling sad and held at the same time. I have sources of support and yes, it's a small circle but it feels very powerful and giving. That gentles the sadness and lets me visualize what I want in my life instead of worrying about what I haven't had.

Ultimately, it's about me asking for what I need. I just wish that wasn't so startling difficult most of the time.

No easy task to move a blog

I can't really say why I am creating a new website with a built in blog. Maybe it's because I've been fussing with websites at work or it could be that I simply wanted a new impossible challenge for my already tired brain. I'm not sure – which tells me my tired brain isn't working all that well anyway.

Building a website, looking at CSS rules and html code are not intuitive processes for me. Just getting the blog host and my website talking is taxing my skills and going beyond. Like right now – I just had a message box pop up asking me what I want to do about conflicting files in my local files and the remote server and I KNOW that I just did something that I shouldn't have – but I'll have to wait… let's see that status says… two hours to figure out what I did.

Luckily, I have a vision of what I want this website to be. I have a little piece of hope that I might actually be able to figure all this out (probably with a lot of help from Andy and Jess).

More than meets the eye

I looked at my yard and felt impatient for that moment in late July when everything is in bloom and overflowing the garden beds.  It took a long moment to realize that there was color already there that I seemed to be ignoring.  Grabbing my camera, I headed out to see that was there for me to appreciate:

I headed for the known drama queen in the garden - the tree peonies.

But I have to say that one of my all time favorites is the pansy.  Look at that color - how could this lovely flower be called common?

This columbine is a northwest wildflower that has decided to make itself at home in my garden.  I love it.

And then there are the blooming chives...

But here is the crowned princess of the garden - the oriental poppy.

I just liked this shot.

What northwest garden doesn't have a rhododendron blooming in the springtime?

And then there is the sure sign that spring is here to stay - the lovely zucchini seedlings putting out there first leaves. 

Andy loves the fact that I am growing so much zucchini.  Okay, that's not true - but look at how cute it is - could you deny this little plant's right to produce dozens of two feet squash?  I think not.

May in the garden - we'll see what next month brings.