Being Real

I was at a party last weekend for a woman that I hope to get to know better. We've been inviting each other into the beginning of a friendship and even though I knew that A. and I would not know very many people at her party – we went. I didn't know what to expect and that was okay because I trusted in my initial impression of this gal that her fun loving spirit would probably attract similar people to her orbit. Still, it was a party at a swank address and if there is one thing I hate doing is socializing with a group of people that I have no connection with. Or, maybe what's worse is socializing with a group of people that I may discover that I want to have connections with.

I've said it before and I'll say it again – I am an introvert. Just a fact of life, neither a badge nor a label but how I tend to interact with others and the world at large. Large social gatherings drain me. I don't really like small talk – I like learning about people. I tend to get curious and ask questions but suddenly the noise level in the room escalates and I can't hear. Or someone starts talking and doesn't stop and I find myself half listening with more interest to the conversation that is going on next to me. I've been cornered at parties and have, on occasion, found myself on the receiving end of that loss of interest. It is the nature of the event. Keep it light, surface, short sentences and polite. Ugh.

And then I come home, tired but having had a good time, and my mind starts playing back conversations that were awkward – or at least played back as awkward. It's like a video camera has come on in my head and heightened all the contrast of the picture. Moments jump out and I cringe – how could I have said that? What kind of impression did that make? I didn't mean to not use a coaster and I was just curious if it really was her thirty fifth birthday.

Actually I didn't ask about the birthday – even I recognized the danger in that. It's possible she really is thirty five.

As I sat in bed later that night, I found myself once again confronted with the image that I present to the world. The good news is that I really wasn't concerned about that image going to the party or at the party. I went to spend time with a delightful woman and get to know her husband and visit with a few others that I'm looking forward to developing better friendships with. The other good news was that as I felt that old tape running – those old insecurities rising up and poking at me from the playground of my youth (will she like me? Am I enough?) – I felt the comfort of having spent the time in that fire of self assessment (thank-you, grad school) to have a fairly good idea of how I impact others. Okay, I also asked A. for some feedback – but that was a step in silencing those old tapes as well.

I've changed over the past few years and I like who I am. I like being more curious about others than sharing my life story within the first few moments of a conversation. I like it that I have dear friends who meet the need in me to be known so that I can go to a party full of strangers and enjoy learning about others. I like it that I am patient in these early stages of getting to know potential new friends – and that I am aware that they get to make their own choices in who they want to deepen relationships with. I get to choose and so do they. If I'm not their cup of tea – I'd rather know based on them seeing the real me than some sort of construct that I've put up to be liked.

In the end, I enjoyed the people that I talked with, learned new things about some very interesting people, laughed and shared and left with a smile on my face. New friendships need tending and that's what I did by accepting her invitation. Yes, is what I said – you are worth my time. Just as I was worth inviting.