A New Year

The kids have gone back to school and university; the snow is slowly melting and I'm working diligently to clean up the house after three weeks of having five bodies to feed and care for instead of the usual three. Not that they are all not capable of self care – but boy, they leave messes everywhere. So the whirlwind slowly calms and I finally find myself looking forward into this new year of 2009.

A friend came by yesterday for coffee and asked the usual questions: resolutions? Goals? I didn't have an answer – or at least any sudden sense of resolve that THIS year was going to be the year of ____ (fill in the blank). The last three weeks have been about exactly what I want in my life – being in the moment, spending time doing with those that I love and care about. Having space to listen. Being given the chance to express what I have needed to express. Breathing deep into my belly and sensing the grounding of the moment without worrying about what tomorrow is bringing.

Goals are important. I usually love having goals. However, what I have been aware of these past few months is that I am really good at giving myself "should" goals. I "should" want this or that. I "should" be doing this thing or the other. I "should" want to get in shape and lose weight. I "should" want a full time practice. The list goes on from the small sundry items of day to day living to the grandiose goals of making my mark on the world. And something is missing from these goals that has been hard to understand – or see. What is mine and what is the sense of expectation that I put upon myself. If I was going to have a goal this year – it would be something to do with listening and awareness of self.

I don't have any problem stripping back down to bare wood and rediscovering what draws me, what inspires me and what I want in the moment. There are certain responsibilities that have to continue and that's fine. That's life as it should be. I wouldn't give up those parts of my life for anything. And I want to maintain this sense of calm knowing. That it is okay for me to be tired today. That I don't have to have answers for questions that need to be answered tomorrow – or next week. That ability to let go and release my life into the future of its own creation – now that's a goal I can live with today.